Yelp can go F#ck themselves
As a business owner, since DAY 1, I have never liked Yelp. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out their marketing ploy from the get-go.
Here is what happens:
– Clients rank your business
– MOST if not ALL 5 star ratings will be filtered UNLESS they are from “trusted” users of Yelp, which means they use the service a lot. BUT, even if they do, for some ODD mother f@cking reason they too may get filtered at the discretion or Yelp’s all-powerful algorithm that allegedly can read minds, see into the future, and is infallibly right until proven wrong in a court of law. (Click Here)
– OR, you PAY Yelp for advertising, in which your businesses TOP reviews will show up on your competitor’s business profiles, your negative reviews get pushed to the bottom, AND their ALL-KNOWING algorithm develops a conscience and decides to let a few of those 5 star ratings come back onto your business’s profile.
Now, I could have written this post a LONG time ago, but a recent review pushed my buttons! And, I do A LOT of yoga, so it is REALLY f@cking hard to push my buttons. (Unless you are a customer support representative…sorry.) But, recently I got this review:
No. Just. No.
Pack 500 people into the space the size of a large-ish livingroom and call it a yoga class? Sorry. You’re gonna have to pay ME to come back for that.
There was no room at all. I could feel my neighbor’s breath on my lower back! It was ridiculous. As more and more people filtered in, staff came in and started yelling, “move closer to your neighbor! There’s a space in that corner!” (right next to 3 space heaters).
In the entryway, hallway, and the bathroom, there was crap everywhere: bags, shoes, boots, bottles, magazines, towels, purses. Every space was tiny. On Y2′s website, they go on about respecting the practice of yoga and the space in which it is performed. Respect flows both ways, and it was impossible to cultivate any sort of respect anywhere or anyhow in this place—except, perhaps, for trying to avoid sweating all over your neighbors’ mats.
Whoever used the term “yog-a-erobics” was spot on. When I think of yoga, I think of a quiet, deep, grounding challenge, not *thump* *thump* *thump*.” I was going to make a joke about how the instructor should’ve started the class by screaming “SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!” But, since he actually went with the perennial “Let’s get ready to rummmmble!,” my joke was rendered moot.
One star added for convenient class times.
Ummm, btw that was my class…
And, ummm, yeah I know there were a lot of people there. That’s because it’s an AWESOME F@CKING class!
And, ummm, NOWHERE do we ever say, on our website or elsewhere, that we are “quiet”. Yoga is a cultural delicacy; everyone likes their’s different. You don’t go to a sushi restaurant and complain on Yelp that it wasn’t your thing because they don’t offer tacos!
Besides the fact that I f@cking hate Yelp, because they are essentially run as a legalized form of the mafia (extorting small businesses to follow their bull sh!t protocols “or else”), I hate them even more because the EXACT thing they are trying to provide is nullified by their incompetence and greed to extort money.
Let’s give the facts:
1) Y2 Yoga has won BEST STUDIO in Charlotte Magazine AND/OR Creative Loafing EVERY year since 2010.
2) We have 3 f@cking stars on Yelp. *NOTE: I am grateful to those that have reviewed us justifiably (good or bad) by understanding our culture , what we are offering, and offering constructive feedback. But, it’s all in vain unless I cave to the “MAN” by paying money to advertise; and there is a better chance of me volunteering to have my balls cut off then that happening!
3) We have six FOUR star reviews AND thirty-one (not bullsh!ting you) FIVE star reviews FILTERED!
4) I have listened to people’s voices that our space is too small and too crowded, and I have all but spilt blood to build what will be one of the largest yoga studios in the country to accommodate them (so STOP coming to the studio and complaining it’s too small on Yelp! Do you realize how big of an @sshole you must be to complain that the place is too small when the project is underway, and almost complete, to make it bigger? I mean get it together people!)
Yelp provides INACCURATE information by promoting those that are willing to pay, giving credibility to those that use their site religiously and rejecting those that don’t, and by just being @ssholes in general.
So, with that said, Yelp can go f@ck themselves!
My new mission is to get the lowest rating on Yelp, so that those that rely on their sh!tty service don’t come, and in the end miss out on experiencing amazing yoga.
And I will conclude by saying:
“Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jackass whisperer.” – Brene Brown
Disclaimer: I don’t filter well. Using the @ and ! in fuck and shit was the best I could do. I like to say fuck and shit quite frequently on a daily basis and don’t think that adhering to the niceties of society just because people want to pretend like they don’t do the same so they can feel like they are better than everyone else is my responsibility. My spirit still honors the spirit within everyone.