R.I.P

Pamela Graef

“Nan”

May 27, 1926 – Sept 29, 2013

It was only 4-5 months ago that my mom and Nan both were diagnosed with cancer within two weeks of one another. First, my Nan received news that he doctors found a growth that later turned out to be Pleural Mesothelioma, then two weeks later my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

On a side note, let me first say that when I started this blog I did not intend to write about death, destruction, or despair. While those are aspects of everyones lives, this year, in particular, for me has be dealt more blows than I feel are the norm.

Just imagine that you got punched when you weren’t quite ready for it and it knocks the wind out of you, then you get punched again….

The good news was that several weeks later my mom had surgery and the doctors were able to remove the cancerous tissue and she is doing well. The bad news is, that with a prognosis of 6-18 months, at age 87, my Nan had no desire to fight. She made peace with her outlook and just asked that she was made to feel comfortable until the end came.

I have had two Grandmothers die of cancer. My fathers mother died of Brain Cancer; that was more than 15 years ago. I never saw her when she was sick, I just came to the funeral. My Nan died on Sunday at 10:41pm of Pleural Mesothelioma. I never got to see her sick either…

I’m fortunate in that I got to see her at the beginning of August, when I visited my mom. She drove herself over to my moms, had some cocktails with us, enjoyed the company (as she always did), and went home. I got to give her a kiss on the chick one last time, and to tell her I loved her.  I got to speak with her a month ago, too, to tell her I loved her and that I would be there soon to see her; she had been inundated with company and honestly was a bit exhausted from all the attention.

That never happened…

My only regret is that a week and a half ago my brother went down to film an interview with her before her end of days grew so near that she could no longer speak coherently (she was on Morphine, upon other medications to make her feel comfortable) and, after talking with my mom, decided that I would come down in two more weeks; he had said I should come down.  I checked with my mom at the time and she thought two weeks would be fine, then she called a week later to confirm that I was coming in a week for sure because she wasn’t sure how long she had.

I went away this weekend on a vacation I had planned a month ago….

I told my mom that I was planning on driving down by Thursday but could come Tuesday if  I needed to…

While I was gone, I got a text that she was in an out…

I said I would be back by Monday night and could drive down…

She said it would probably be too late…

I asked if she could Skype me in just one last time…

She said, I wouldn’t want to see her in her current state by that point…

At 10:41pm Sunday night my Nan passed…

I didn’t get to say “Goodbye”…

This is my Nan a week and half ago…(click on it to see the interview)

My Nan is gone now… and that’s okay, because she was okay with it; she was ready to move on.

I’m going to miss her SOOOO much!

Words cannot express…

That was Blow #… I can’t remember 

Blow after that…

She had a dog…

Otis was Tubby’s son…

He died today…

He was 12.5 years old, stubborn, and a product of my Nan’s upbringing: he didn’t always wait to go outside to go to the bathroom (and she didn’t enforce it), and she hand fed him (because he would persist not to until she did).

He was in great pain mourning my Nan’s loss. He cried constantly walking in and out of her room waiting for her to return, and he refused to eat…

My mom let me know yesterday that today Otis was being put to sleep..

Deep breath in…

I almost spoke about all of this in my Super Flow class today…

About taking the blows that life deals you, but inevitably moving on…

I haven’t quite gotten my breath back yet, and I need a little time to rehearse before I think I can deliver that performance.

For now, I just want to take a pause to reflect…

I loved my Nan, and always will.  Otis was a good boy and I am glad he will get a chance to see her sooner rather than later.

Peace

TB